大学新生理查德来到学校，碰到很多有趣的人和有趣的事。
虽然是美国的，和中国国情很不一样，但可以 帮助了解美国文化。出场人物8-10人左右，出去不重要的和反串，4-6人即可，主人公有两个，理查德和他的女室友。
Richard Freshman
Jeffrey R. Parenti
x3942
1060 Morewood
Box 2109
(The scene is a cafeteria. It is during lunch rush, and there are few empty
tables. Enter Richard, who finds one and sits down with his nutritious lunch. He
takes from his heavy backpack a letter from his mother. He begins reading:)
Richard: “Dear Richard, Hey, Tiger, how are you? I hope you are adjusting well
to college life. In a few days you will get the book I sent you: How To Be Happy
At College.”
(Enter Girl, with lunch, desperately looking for an empty seat. Finally, she
sees one next to Richard.)
Girl (coming over): Is this seat taken?
Richard (rather stunned): Uh — no. Please, sit down.
Girl: Thanks. (Sits.)
(Richard clumsily hides the letter under his cheeseburger. After an awkward
pause:)
Girl: Say, what’s your name?
Richard: Uh, Richard.
Girl: Are you sure?
Richard: Yes. I’m Richard. (Sticks his hand out for her to shake.)
Girl (glancing at his hand): Richard what?
Richard: Richard Freshman.
Girl: That’s unfortunate.
Richard: Pardon?
Girl: Nothing. (Chuckles. Thinking out loud:) Richard Freshman. That’s classic.
What a stupid name. I mean, it’s bad enough to have that name when you’re a
freshman, but. . . Even when you’re a senior you’ll still be a Freshman. (Nods
her head.) Even worse your name is Dick. Dick. Dick Freshman. Ooo.
(Shaking her head, Girl gets up and leaves with her lunch. Richard sighs and
goes back to his letter.)
Richard (Reads): “Now Richard, don’t go around breaking all the girls’ hearts.
Only kidding. Enclosed is your weekly $5 allowance.” She remembered! “Spend it
wisely. I hope you’re meeting a lot of new friends.”
(While Richard is reading, two frat boys enter, one carrying a stack of flyers,
the other a small booklet. They are staring at the booklet, trying to figure out
who Richard is. Finally, they approach him.)
Tim #1: Uh, Richard. . . Richard Freshman?
Richard (With his mouth full): Yeth.
Tim #1: Hi, I’m Tim. (Shakes Richard’s hand.)
Tim #2: And I’m Tim. (Shakes his hand.)
Tim #1: We’re from the Alpha Alpha fraternity.
Tim #2: But some people call us AA for short.
(Tims laugh at Tim’s joke. Obviously Richard doesn’t get it.)
Tim #1: Uh, anyway, we just wanted to tell you that we’re open to freshman any
time, uh, here’s a calendar of events. (He hands Richard a flyer.) Tomorrow is
the, uh, Buffalo BBQ. And Sunday is the Jello Bake-Off and Frog Jumping Contest.
Monday — Monday is great, it’s the Spam Sculpture Spectacular. And later next
week we’ll be having movie night. And we’ll be showing the “Porky” films that
evening.
Tim #2: Good movies.
Tim #1: Good movies. So, feel free to drop by any time, come meet the brothers
Richard: Um, thanks guys, but honestly I am not considering joining a
fraternity.
Tim #1: Oh, well, you know, you don’t have to pledge if you don’t want to, just
come by –
Richard: Really, guys, I don’t think so.
Tims (Offended): Well, fine. So, you won’t consider stopping by? Fine. Whatsa
matter, don’t like us or something? Don’t think the Jello Bake-Off is fun? Guess
you won’t be needing this then. (Tim #2 grabs the flyer he gave to Richard. Exit
Tims. Richard goes back to his letter.)
Richard (Reads): “Now, Richard. Remember to choose your friends carefully.” I
will, mom. “I have to go because Dad needs help up the stairs. I’ll send a case
of chilicheese treats every month so you won’t be hungry. And don’t forget to
take your vitamins. College work takes a lot of energy.” (Takes out his
Flinstones vitamins) I think I’ll take a Barney today.
(Enter Millis. Millis is big. Real big. Probably 6 1/2 feet tall, weighs twice
as much as Richard. He seems lost, confused. He sees Richard and rumbles over.
Millis grabs the cheeseburger and puts it on his empty tray. Then Millis takes
Richard’s entire lunch and exits. Richard, mouth full of cheeseburger, sits
looking stunned. Enter Jimmy, everybody’s friend. He sees what just happened to
Richard.)
Jimmy (Sitting down): That was Millis Borg. He lost his meal tickets last week,
so he has to steal people’s lunches so he can eat. It means he likes you.
Richard: Oh.
Jimmy: By the way, my name’s Jimmy. What’s your name?
Richard: Richard.
Jimmy (A la Mr. Rogers): Hi, Richard. (Shakes his hand.) I’m a Communication
major. What’s your major?
Richard: Computer Science.
Jimmy: Awesome! Where do you live?
Richard: Kennedy 963.
Jimmy: Really? I’m in K-962! We’re next door neighbors! Wow!
Richard (Sarcastically): Great.
Jimmy: Yeah! Well, see you around.
(Jimmy exits. We hear Richard’s stomach growl. Enter President.)
President: Hi, my name is Dr. Robert M. Misqueue, President of the University.
(Shakes Richard’s hand.) Welcome to NCLU!
Richard: Go to Hell.
(Blackout.)
(Next scene is Richard’s dorm room. A mailbox. Richard is sitting on his bed,
writing a letter to his mom.)
Richard (Writing): Dear Mom,
I’m fine, how are you? I’m having an interesting time at college so far. I met
a nice boy named Millis today. We shared lunch. I also met my next door
neighbor. His name is Jimmy. He’s very polite.
(Jimmy passes by and peeks his head in Richard’s room)
Jimmy: Hey Richard. Pretty small room.
Richard (Writing, sarcastically): I think we’re going to be real good friends. I
haven’t met my roommate yet. His name is Chris. It says here that he’s a
Computer Science major, too. We should be in some of the same classes so we’ll
get to study together. I’m really looking forward to meeting him.
(Enter Chris, staring at a piece of paper, anxiously.)
Chris: Is this room 963?
Richard: Yes.
Chris: Then you must be Richard. My name is Chris Tuney. I’m your roommate.
(Richard looks Chris over. About Richard’s size, long, black hair, and, most
evidently, a girl.)
Richard: Uh –
(Richard mulls this over while Chris unloads her stuff on her bed. He reexamines
the paragraph bio on Chris. Finally:)
Richard: You’re Chris Tuney? (Noticing her sketchbook on the bed.) Computer
Science major?
Chris: Oh, this? I just draw in my spare time.
(She does look like an artist. Leather jacket with the back painted, dressed all
in black. She doesn’t have any of the characteristics of a geeky comp sci major.
And she was still a girl.)
Richard: Um, I knew this was a co-ed dorm, but –
Chris: Oh, forgive me for not explaining. Actually, I’m supposed to be a guy. I
checked the “M” box by accident on the application. And since my name is Chris,
no one ever found out I was really a girl. I don’t mind if they think I’m a guy.
It means I get to live on a floor with about a hundred guys. And room with one.
You don’t mind,
do you? (Laughs.)
Richard: Well, heh, heh . . .
Chris: I mean, how many guys can say their roommate’s a girl? Well, I gotta go
register for classes. Bye! (Exits.)
Richard (To himself): Don’t worry, Richard, this isn’t actually happening.